Chocolate and spice

Hell if I knew, I have opened my heart to a woman.

I have met her a time ago but didn’t mention her, but she goes by the name of Meadhbh. A very nice name, and very suitable for this miss. She has…that something that makes you want to have fun and not think about anything else. Exactly what I need.

We sat and talked a moment, about our lives and our jobs. As ever, I didn’t tell a lot on myself, but I might tell her more eventually. We drank and chat there for a while, in the woods until made my flower bloom in the chill air. A gift, she said. She also said that she would not be mine only…

 Maybe years ago, I might have argued… but right now, I think this is just what I need. My heart is still aching over Ekram, my Love, and I am not ready to replace him. Oh…he would say that we never been faithful in body to each other but… I don’t know. He was so special…No. I can’t replace him.

I just want to have fun, for once.

Alone in a crowd, screaming in silence

Fineas has been missing for some time. Probably got into trouble. Ysabelle wanted to talk to me about it. I know..she needed an ear because it wasn’t going well…but I tried to tell her how happy I was to hear her, to talk to her. It didn’t work, but at least I tried. She needed me, to listen to her problems.

Kaste…yes that troll. He went back to her pretty bad. I don’t know where it will lead, but I just hope it will be alright and I will be able to hear her be cheerful again. It has been so long…

 At the same time, Verrin was telling me how he got adopted by Mazikeen and how now he had someone to take care of, and someone that cares for him. I wanted to shake him by the shoulders, telling him “Oh, that’s why each time you’re in trouble you come to me!” but I know it was not proper. I had to be there for him.

 I…just want that one time, someone will be there for me…because right now, I … really feel alone.

Am I missing an eyebrow?

Finally I can close my hand tight enough without crying to write. Seems Verrin -yes, again, that mage brings bad luck like spring brings warmth- has been possessed not by one, but by two spirits, affiliated with miss Mazikeen and Lady Kar’Lei. And of course I had to check up on him and see if everything was alright.

 Oh, and by the way, Verrin makes bomb. Really good one might I add…I was at the first row of the show when it blew up in my face. Probably one of the two was angry at me because I knew they were there. Anyway…I miss an eyebrow, my good eye barely opens and I have scars everywhere but they will disappear by a week. Master promised me.

 We (Alkaiser, me, Kiros…Alestrio, Mazikeen, Kar’Lei and…I guess others could have been there but I didn’t see them litterally.) got the two spirits over with last night though, and it seems for now (never sure with Verrin, I really start to think he has a jinx or something) that things are fine.

I need to see Ysabelle..I miss her direly. Might not be my place…but I really do.

Redemption given and ungiven

Verrin is getting me in a lot of trouble even if he doesn’t want it. I had the “great” idea to show him that someone (me) can care for even a “monster” (him). I planned to “grant” him his wish: to “kill” him. Of course I planned something that could do the charm, I had a poison dose in a ring that would have the effect to make him unconscious so I would not kill him. But… of course something had to go bad.

I had the dagger on his throat, leaving a not so nice wound when someone somehow entered the room. With my great dexterity with knives I litterally cut Verrin’s throat, letting him drop dead on the ground. We argued a moment the girl and I (Sosie was her name I think?) and I brought him back to life. I left him recover from his wounds, both fresh and old.

We talked the day after and I found out that it was what he needed. Not to die no, but to know that someone would help him, would show him the way. At least something good came out of it, I thought. I asked him then to not spread word about the “incident” since I…had a bad feeling about it.

And I was right all the way.

The trial came, I reluctantly went there with the same bad feeling. I saw Alkaiser talking about how no one was innocent or something like that and that there would be nothing more said about a girl being tortured.

Oh, wow. Now that will help him to see what he did was wrong, I thought. But before I could even realise, Alkaiser asked me to speak to him.

Two questions when we were alone: Did you hurt him? and Do you understand your oath?

So that was the bad feeling. I answered yes to both and tried to explain myself like two adults should be able to but he didn’t even want to hear about it. How did he know, I am yet to find out after a week. All I know is that he betrayed the one thing I asked him, to be able to speak together.

Lisette got angry at Alkaiser just like Erunen and she then threatened to do something to Ysabelle, and I replied harshly, asking her to do nothing. She left quickly after.

Five minutes and all this happened. I was left alone by Erunen and another rogue (Can’t even remember his name since I was so angry) and Verrin came. I wanted to strangle him, so that I would at least have a reason to be that way but he told me no one ever talked to Alkaiser about the incident… I made him promess…no. I ordered him to make this humiliation worth it by becoming alright. I think he understood it. He even told me he could be my knight in shining armor. That was a bit too much but it was a sweet thought.

I feel alone….I miss Ysabelle and Fineas so much. (And I guess I won’t see them anymore since they plan to move on gods know where) I need to talk to them… I think I need help.

And again…

I don’t know where it will lead but I decided to … help… Verrin. I don’t know why, maybe because if I would kill him I would feel bad about it. But anyway, we talked and talked. I fear he would do it again should he have the chance. I got to show him it was wrong, no matter what. Maybe…maybe it will work, I hope so.

 Yesterday I talked to Mazikeen, and she seems troubled. She won’t tell Verrin that in fact she cares for him and he desperately wants to hear it from her because he wanted attention and care from her, and now… This is a vicious circle, and I don’t know how to cut it. Maybe the problem will be solved by itself with the trial that is about to come but I doubt it. With what I learn from the others everyday…

On a brighter note, I finally proved myself to my teachers. I got my warhorse at last! Her name is Hope, I thought it would be nice to name her after my…former name. We went in the woods and I picked flowers and herbs since I need some practice, it has been so long since I did that! Alkaiser congratulated me in too many words and we talked a bit. He called me little. Little… Why many call me that way anyway, I have to ask someone.

Madness and horror lies behind the corner

I can finally sit down and write what horrible things I have heard, seen and felt recently. The home I found within the Silverguard is scarier than safe in my eyes.

I have seen Verrin’s portrait of Mazikeen made on leather, at first I thought it was a poor and crazy Scarlet zealot, but no…I learned from Ysabelle (who was shaken…understandable) and his own mouth that it was from a woman, a human one, that he tortured. I was barely able to keep my calm when he was saying how in a way it was not his fault…that he was mad.

Was… No. Is. That he Is mad.

But I will serve him what he deserves…and even if it would cost me my rank or anything. That is, if I am caught.

I also saw why Erunen called himself a monster. He likes..no. Loves to mutilate people. I was barely able to walk and speak while I was watching. But the difference between Verrin and him is that Erunen at least wants to change…or he is saying this so I would not run away. I don’t know.

That same night (and I mean including the thing with Verrin..) I saw that Lisette had the same….liking as Erunen. That scared me, and creeped me out. I don’t know what to think anymore… Are they all like that? I do not want to think this but…the thought is not leaving my mind.

Yesterday I went with Fineas in the Jungle and he showed me a nice place with a waterfall. That was a real escape for my mind and I was enjoying it. And “mister” Fineas decides to jump off the cliff, out of nowhere. I really wanted to kill him after I found out he was alive, believe me.

I just recieved a package, I wonder what it is…

The Legion will not sleep tonight.

I spoke to Fineas this afternoon. It seems everything is not as he planned, but he needs to be patient. To ask for the butter, and the butter’s money is not wise.

While I was talking to him, I fought against Legion agents. And lots of them. One by one, slowly, I prevailed. I fought long after Fineas went to sleep. I fought until my arm felt sore. I needed to prove myself I was able to. That even if it was hard, I could get over it.

I faced one of the Legion’s demon…that one was too big, and too strong. I ran quickly from it before he looked at me. With that revealing yet sturdy armor (Note: I really need to ask Nefarirr for the skirt or pants…he must have forgot) I was far from being a match to him..or yes…a match..he would have break me like a match. At least, I will be able to strike them again, soon.

Spring brings its share of love and tenderness

It is driving me crazy.

Everywhere I look I see love -and what usually comes with it-. I talked to milady Lisette and mister Erunen about Verrin (Yes, the very guy who keeps bugging me, now it seems he wants to be nice…let’s see how long it will last.) I learned he was … pure of heart. If I would have known, I’d never tell him those things I said last week! But I told him. Maybe that’s why he freaked out…who knows.

The said couple… they are lovely to watch. And disturbing to hear. Fifteen years I haven’t met the warmth of a man and they..keep… speak so openly. I think I looked like a rose, with my too red skin and my nails darting at my hips.

Last night though, Erunen and I went to spar a bit. I truly love to, a great lesson of humility and a great exercice. I’m not too bad even if I know he lets me some loose and doesn’t fight to his full capacity. We talked… I think I solved a problem with what I heard, but the first one, the most important if we can call it that way, is still there. When I thought I would go to sleep, he asked me when was the last time I danced. Two years, five months and thirteen days, I replied. It is quite easy to remember the date since it was at a ball. And then…we danced. Nothing intimate of course, I would never have allowed such thing since he is engaged, but that feeling overwhelmed me.

Someone danced with me. It felt wonderful, to live like this again. No lust, no love, simple tenderness between two people. And no hidden thoughts since he is engaged. Ah! It was wonderful.

 He keeps saying he is a monster, but I doubt it. Milady Lisette is so caring for him, I am sure everything will be alright.

De battre mon coeur s’est arrêté.

I think I am training too hard.

 Well…no, I think I train at the wrong place.

I fought demons of the Legion furiously for hours, until I went to Satyrnaar, in the wonderful forest of Ashenvale. I…don’t know what they were doing, but they kept cursing me, litterally. My heart was aching, I felt dizzy… I couldn’t focus anymore. Through my brand, many were asking me what was going on, but I declined their kind offer to help me. I must be strong, I thought.

I went to Shattrah City, my eyes full of tears and went to Master’s house, screaming his name. The pain was too great, and I needed someone. After a moment, he came in the main room, and I tried to kneel but failed miserably. All I remember is him, catching me as I was fainting saying “Not tonight.”

Not tonight…I would not bow to him tonight. No more etiquette tonight.

The pain stopped later in the night, and I went to sleep, exhausted.

I do not know what he did, I can’t remember, but… but it is good to be alive this morning.

It all came in a dream.

What a fool I am sometimes!

My mind played tricks on me and, like the fool I am, it won. But not for long! I found answers in my dreams.

I…realized when I woke up this morning that I love Ysabelle. A love that is like the one between two people? no. She is so…soft, and caring that my feelings betrayed me. On the other hand, it was a sweet betrayal, for the time it lasted. I was…getting used to the idea of “Love”, the one that so many seeks, to love a woman. That thought still scare me, but I was ready to live with it. But now, no more problems. I know exactly what lies in my heart. All I want is her to stay how she is, for I see how I wanted to be, so long ago.

That is what overwhelms me each time I set eyes on her. That is also what makes me smile when she speaks.

Alright, I admit. She is cute to watch also.

On another note, I talked to Alkaiser again. And there also I can say I know what lies in my heart. I do not seek his love for I know I would not get it. At least, with our agreement, we both know where we are going…