Somebody in need

Verrin talked to me yesterday. He told me that he needed to be needed, and that Kar’Lei (the new our new leader it seems) ordered him to be near her so he gets more confidence back.

 Something….something is not right. I don’t want it right… How can you order someone such thing? He asked me if it was the right thing to do, I told him not but…again…

 When will he ever listen to me. I want to help him, but he doesn’t want to listen. Maybe because I don’t force myself on him like others do. Mea culpa.

He asked to kiss me when I was trying to put some sense into him, and out of desperation I told him to do it and to listen to me. He kissed me. I felt his lips on mine. I shouldn’t have. By the nether, it’s torturing me now. Mea culpa.

We talked and talked, I told him we should leave, elope to a little house where he could be free, that I needed him. It wasn’t enough. I fear it will never be enough.

But then I wasn’t able to talk anymore. I wanted his lips, just once, just to prove him that things could be alright again. And ..and.. and he told me he didn’t want to use me, for me to be a rebound of his relationship. I thought I could kill him right where he was sitting. I argued that I never offered myself as such, that I loved him and would wait for him to see for himself. Oh, really, I wanted to kill him. Ever, he won’t ever tell me that again.

But in a way… I know why he said that. He just doesn’t know how to cope with the fact of being alone, of not being touched everyday. He put his cheek next to mine and I melted. He’s torturing me… I doubt he knows it. Maybe it’s for the best?

I need to put my feelings aside. Again. Maybe for the last time…

I know, I am quite utopic.

But he will never tell me that again. Ever.

~ by marillawen on November 15, 2007.