Ever ever after

I finally found you silly journal. Between boxes in the refuge, my office, Master’s home and the other one, I thought you were lost forever! So I’m sitting on a nice little island here in Nagrand to write. I made friends, I’m now helping the Refuge more, and I joined the ranks of the Shattered Sun Offensive. Since Kael’Thas finally showed up in Silvermoon and took M’uru for himself, the city is a place where it is possible to go without the feeling of getting stalked and killed in a dark corner.

AH! Finally things are going fine again! I even took care of numerous orphans during the Children’s Week, and I am now sober of Hookah for a month.

Gawd…I want hookah.

Somebody in need

Verrin talked to me yesterday. He told me that he needed to be needed, and that Kar’Lei (the new our new leader it seems) ordered him to be near her so he gets more confidence back.

 Something….something is not right. I don’t want it right… How can you order someone such thing? He asked me if it was the right thing to do, I told him not but…again…

 When will he ever listen to me. I want to help him, but he doesn’t want to listen. Maybe because I don’t force myself on him like others do. Mea culpa.

He asked to kiss me when I was trying to put some sense into him, and out of desperation I told him to do it and to listen to me. He kissed me. I felt his lips on mine. I shouldn’t have. By the nether, it’s torturing me now. Mea culpa.

We talked and talked, I told him we should leave, elope to a little house where he could be free, that I needed him. It wasn’t enough. I fear it will never be enough.

But then I wasn’t able to talk anymore. I wanted his lips, just once, just to prove him that things could be alright again. And ..and.. and he told me he didn’t want to use me, for me to be a rebound of his relationship. I thought I could kill him right where he was sitting. I argued that I never offered myself as such, that I loved him and would wait for him to see for himself. Oh, really, I wanted to kill him. Ever, he won’t ever tell me that again.

But in a way… I know why he said that. He just doesn’t know how to cope with the fact of being alone, of not being touched everyday. He put his cheek next to mine and I melted. He’s torturing me… I doubt he knows it. Maybe it’s for the best?

I need to put my feelings aside. Again. Maybe for the last time…

I know, I am quite utopic.

But he will never tell me that again. Ever.

Awe and concerns

I have made many travels, and the last one brought me to Nagrand. What a wonderful scenery! The skies, the hills, the waterfalls! Even those Furies (One for each element) were a regal for me.

On the other hand, I am very worried about Verrin. He doesn’t seem inclined to see me, and even apologized about it. I don’t know….something’s going on.

 I didn’t see Meadhbh in a long, long time also. Gosh…am I loosing everyone?

Finally!

Master and I decided it was wiser for me to move to my guild’s new halls for a time. I am not… feeling well and he wants me to cheer up closer to my friends. He also gave me my first official mission as a Scryer. It was easy, but I am glad I can finally call myself an Agent.

 But still, I have to keep this secret, after all, my mission is not over. I doubt it will ever be. I…told the truth to Verrin recently. I was unable to keep this secret to me much longer. I had to tell someone, so at least one person on this earth will know who I am, who I really am. I thought he would kill me, but he was just joking. Why does he have to be so nice sometimes, I wonder. But at least…he knows.

 Note: Got to talk to Tamrin again.

Anger and regret

I have been arrested for the murder of my Dearest, and the worst of it all is that I can’t prove my innocence. I would have prefer to die instead of getting released to help the Blood Knights maintaining their hold on M’uru. But… the one who gave my name to the authorities needs help desperately; Durgan has returned. The spirit who haunts Mazikeen took over Verrin’s body again and did…. horrible things… to his host and those around him. He took Meadhbh’s daughter, Ceara, got me beaten and almost blow my cover, raped….Verrin with the help of bastards…

Why so many do not care and just plan to kill Verrin? He needs help, support, not anger….

Alright it is hard not to be angry at Verrin, granted. I know I will have a hard time the first time I will see Verrin… but I have to stand up, and push everything aside. Durgan will pay… and I’ll be there for my Verrin.

Note: I need to speak to Rystei soon.

*Note*

*Many pages has been teared off the journal, entries from the last month especially could not be found*

From the depth of the earth, one can only look up at the sky

I have lost so much these days that I had not the will to write it down.

I haven’t seen Fineas in ages, I assume he is dead.

I have lost Verrin -not per se, but the words I feared came out of his mouth- it is for the best…his best.

My dearest…I lost my dearest again. Ysabelle died in flames from an unknown assassin.

I also lost my mind in the process for a time…sinking into a blissful madness, where everyone was my enemy, a betrayer. It didn’t last long, but…still…it happened.

All of this happened.

 I want things to be alright again…is it so selfish? I would like a cease fire, a moment of calm, so I could be alone, but peaceful.

Good news, bad news.

I wonder if I will be able to keep up and not crawl into a dark room for a century. Seems nothing is working right, and when it does, it seems almost worst.

The Silverguard is no more. Maybe for the best… but I feel alone.

Verrin said he loves me…but he cannot choose and is mixed up and there is nothing I can tell him to help him.

Ysabelle got married…bounded her soul to Kaste when the said groom is also mixed up in his feelings. I… I got mad at her because again I learned the thing by incident, I know I made a mistake but… why can’t someone tell me frankly, and delibaretly something for once… And I truly wanted to be with her a bit… I know I am selfish but I can’t help it.

And if I am not selfish once in a while, I will just stay alone in my corner, I guess. That is what my teacher told me, a long long time ago: When you listen, people hardly want to hear you.

Master summoned me for an audience tomorrow. I wonder what will happen…

To give and to recieve

I recieved many gifts lately, that I will cherish forever, even if it’s a big word, I know I will always think of them.

 From a wonderful man who showed me care and attention when I needed most,

From a lovely woman who showed me I could love and not be ashamed of,

From a man I never knew I would recieve something as beautiful,

 And from a man who I saw his true form, I thank him for that.

 I saw Verrin’s servant (or slave or…whatever, can’t track the way he calls her!) Kimera lately. I… I wish her the best. It is what I should think right?

I also have a great news recently, Ysabelle is getting married to Kaste! I’m happy for her, but..it seems he has been missing. I wrote him a letter and I’m about to send him with Khan, I just hope he will find him. If the bastard went away because “Mister doesn’T want to have any kids” I kill him. Slowly and efficiently! But yes… Ysabelle told me he wants kids so…that doesn’t make sense.

It sounds fishy… as fishy as the succubus who’s in our rank. Alright I am the last one of the guild who knows it granted but sheesh! How can you even trust someone who’s job is to backstab you!?!

Anyway, I will write more tomorrow, for now I have to send that letter.

Stolen kisses

By the nether.

I knew I should not have say yes to Verrin when he asked me to help him in his quest of becoming a good Master (And who got that great idea anyway to send him a slave…a slave! S L A V E, slave.) but yes, I said yes as ever like the idiot that I am. I accepted to play and be his mistress for an hour.

But of course it was not enough, he had to ask me if he could be the master for a time, which I said yes like an idiot. I have but one Master, and it is clear in my mind that I don’t want anyone else. But, heh, for the girl, for Verrin’s own mental sanity and my own peace of mind I said yes to everything he asked.

A back rub, yes.

Lying on me? Yes…

 Kiss me…

He had the guts to ask a kiss. The… Heck I even think he did it on purpose. I kissed him, thinking he would freak out and ask me why I did this but no… noooo… I had to tell him he should not demand, but to ask for a kiss.

Which he did.

I don’t know what took me, but I kissed him. Passionately. I wanted to make him swallow everything he ordered me, every word, every thought he probably had at this moment.

 And now… Why can’t I stop thinking about it.